August 23rd, 2008
I can still remember the first night we met.
It was pure accident. Or fate. If you believe in that whole thing. I had inquired of Heidi if she would like to hangout that evening. She said “Sure but I am with a friend. Is it okay if she comes over too?”
“Yeah thats fine. I don’t mind”
I had no idea or intention of having you come too so that I had someone to hit on while I was drunk.
You two arrived and almost cautiously knocked on the door, as if you were afraid you might be knocking on the wrong one. I think it was Ely that answered the door, but thats irrelevant. Heidi entered and you followed shyly behind . You walked through my apartment door in that knitted black beanie and your eyes were just slapping me sober.
“Hi, I’m Josh”
“Wait, I think I have met you before”
“Yeah, I think it was at your old house downtown”
“Oh right, right. Well it’s nice to meet you again”, I replied shaking your hand and smiling as if I already knew things would be perfect after that.
We hit it off so well. We talked for hours that night, though i don’t remember exactly what about [due to my indefinite state of intoxication]. I really wish I could remember our conversation that night. Now it’s just flashes of imagery. Moving from kitchen rants to couch cushions, and eventually we wound up in my bedroom and I couldn’t help but stare at you through the blue glow from the computer screen, as you lip-synced to manchester orchestra with your legs crossed in my swivel chair, you had such a refreshing passion and life in you. It was the first time I have ever seen that certain spark in another person.
The next morning I woke to an empty bed and an achey head.
Was it a dream?
I had to find you again.
But even before I attempted to call anyone that might know you, you had already left me a note with a message reading, “It was very fantastic hanging out last night, call me sometime soon if you would like to again!(***) ***-****. oh and make sure you listen to the manchester orchestra that i downloaded because it is great.”
It’s funny because now I can’t seem to take manchester out of my CD player.
I wanted to play it cool but I couldn’t hesitate. So I gave it a couple of anxious hours before I contacted you.
I don’t know if that is a long enough time to wait to be considered “Playin it cool”, but I don’t care.
We met in the parking lot of my work just after close. I didn’t know your car yet, so I scanned the parking lot trying to act casual. You got out of your car and I couldn’t feel my legs. Only the nerves in my stomach. I didn’t know if I should give you a hug or not, so I didn’t. I just walked towards you and tried to think of something to say. But everything that came out was a stutter. I never stutter. You just laughed and imitated how much I butchered the words, but you made me feel better after the flirtatious teasing by letting me know about your cerebral palsy. And I told you about my imbalanced equilibrium. Which later became an inside joke every time one of us did something stupid.
“oh, it must be my equiwibweeum or your sewabal pawsy acting up”
You asked me to run around the parking lot as you hopped on one foot to show me the difference between your left and your right leg strength.
You started to come over every night after that. We would partake in a routine of excessive drinking and music. The conversations wouldn’t end until the rest of the world went to work. Oh, how I loved our conversations. I swear you are the first lover I could every be so intimate with.
I don’t think Daniel’s hair will ever look as cool compared to the night we cut it ourselves in my bathroom and gave him an accidental euro-mull-comb-over cut.
We even took some nice polaroids.
I loved it when you would refer to things as “Nice things” or “Nice Times”
Polaroid pictures also became a familiar thing. I think we all enjoyed taking pictures in that indian headdress that you bought in manitou. We even smeared lipstick on our faces to look more authentic.
I think one of the first times I realized I was in love with you was about two weeks in. Everyone went to Schylar’s parents house and had a dance party with whiskey sours and 3oh!3. I loved the fact that you barely knew anyone [not even me], but you still weren’t afraid to dance. That night we spent hours in your car listening to music that you thought i’d appreciate [and I did]. We talked about our beliefs and how neither one of us believed in the traditional sense of marriage, we talked about our likes and dislikes. One of your dislikes being that you hate it when you try to show someone a song and they talk through it. I didn’t make a sound through Flobots, or any other song you put on. We just shut our mouths and opened our ears, attempting to peer through the fogged windshield with our cigarettes increasing our buzz. What a connection we had, and the music that night just seemed to fuel the passion. I didn’t even mind sleeping on that tiny one-seater futon, as long as it was with you. That night i felt so alive and i wanted everyone to know.
I love that you like your music for what it is to you and for no-one else. I have listened to that mix you made at-least 35 times, and that’s not an exaggeration. I also sometimes get mad when someone rides in my car and talks when I am listening to it. I can still see you doing that little head-bob jig you do so well. Shimmying your neck and shoulders up and down to favorite songs, wearing glasses three sizes too big for anyones face.
We would meet every night at the gas station Daniel worked at. So that I could leave my car for Daniel to drive home and you would so generously drive us both back to my house. Most of the time I would need to buy food since I never planned ahead. So we would drive to king soopers and hold hands down the isles searching for something vegetarian that actually tasted good. Most of the time it just ended up being pizza. When we would leave, you’d remarked about how empty the streets were.
“What if we are in zombie world and we are the last survivors” you would propose
“That would be pretty intense”
“Yeah, but we have to still obey the law, otherwise the zombies will find us easier”
“Like driving the speed limit and paying for the food in king soopers, even if nobody’s watching” I said, instigating the idea further
Thus the theme song was born.
“O-bey the laws-of zomb-bie world!”
It was a blast to pretend with you.
Just like the time I came out of the liquor store and while you had time to think in the car, you had been watching a man talking on his cellphone through a blue-tooth.
“What if doctors prescribed to schizophrenic people blue-tooths? Like, so that it looks like they are talking on the phone with someone instead of talking to themselves. I mean, what if that guy is schizophrenic and we would have no idea.”
“Haha that would be a great solution to schizophrenic people in public places.”
You always did have some pretty “out-there” ideas, but so do I, and that is what I loved about you.
You were so inspiring to me. I even picked up piano. I remember when I was writing a song about you in my car because i couldn’t concentrate in the house. You came over and sat in my car with me. I even sang it for you.
“You’re corky and I’m dorky, We’re spoonin oh yeah forking!”
I don’t normally sing for people unless they are in the band. But for you it just came out.
I’m glad we could be so open and silly with each other.
Like the time you told me that my cologne smelled like your lesbian aunt. I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing, well I guess I just don’t know if she has good taste or not. I would always find something lovely in your scent. You smelled like pure nostalgia. Like every beautiful thing that I have ever held dear.
I hope you truly knew what I meant in my poem for you when I wrote, “you taste like a prayer to a god i thought gone, but he must of been hiding in your lips all along”.
I miss those lips, and brushing your hair behind your ear as I kissed every inch of your face.
It’s kinda funny, when I told you I loved you, it came out easier than I thought [it might of been easier because I still drank like a sailor] but regardless, my convictions were genuine.
There were no second thoughts or over analyzations. I just simply let you in.
“I love you too”
And I exhaled in a sigh of joy and relief. I became even warmer than the liquor had already made me. I couldn’t be happier, as we buried ourselves underneath my over-sized satin comforter. The next morning I just wanted to stay in bed with you all day [I guess you felt the same because you wrote it in the first page of the bright red journal you got for me].
I loved waking up and turning over to see your bashful sleeping face. For some reason, through the course of a night, your eyeliner smeared enough to make you appear Egyptian. Truly beautiful. Inspiring me [even more than i already wanted to] to kiss you good morning and run my hands across your exposed silky legs. I never told you that. I guess I just wanted that to be for me and if you knew, there would be a chance that you might inadvertently make it stop. You would slowly come to, and let out a giggle and sometimes a small wheeze from the cigarettes we smoked the night before. I would kiss you as many times as I could squeeze in before I would already be running late for work.
You would always tempt me in the cutest voice, “don’t go to work”
“Aww, I wish I didn’t have to”
Still kissing you between sentences.
“don’t go to work”
“I’m sorry, I must. Have a nice day.”
“I love you”
“I love you too.” you softly confirmed as you drifted back to sleep.
I could face anything after that.
I miss waking up to you. How we would always make time to discuss our dreams or at-least what we remembered of them.
“I just had the strangest dream!” I blurted out as you quietly laid ready to hear about it.
“So, we were in Wal-greens and the clerk was following us around, but not because he thought we were gonna steal. More like he worked on commission and we were the first customers in days. Then when we went to pay. He busted out in song!”
“Can I interest you in a pack of cigarettes? Can I interest you in some gum-gum-gum-gum? Can I interest you in some BIRTH CONTROL BIRTH CONTROL?!?!”
I woke up right after that part
“Haha what a strange dream” you replied.
For some reason I always remembered my dreams when I was with you. Now when I go to sleep to stop thinking about you, you just show up in my dreams. You have been in them every night since we met.
When we couldn’t sleep, we would go on late-night Wal-mart adventures. I think the best one was when we humored ourselves by making our first “married purchase”. The first season of “Early Edition”.
“If I had tomorrow’s newspaper today”, I would’ve saved this in the nick of time.
We watched that season for an entire afternoon once and occasionally at night. The rest of the nights, we’d lay naked pressing our bodies together to the point that nothing, not even air, could exist between us. We would grasp each others hands, holding them to our hearts, and all was one. We’d share our daily experiences with one another and you would read “The Perks Of Being A Wallflower” to me right before we went to bed. I would fall in and out of consciousness trying to fight sleep and follow the story.
I finished the book alone…
…My room is dirty now
Its has been since you left
And this is the third time I have used that floor lamp that we picked out [also from a Wal-mart adventure].
“I think you should get the orange one”
“Thats what I was gonna say!”
We always did agree on taste….
…Now I smoke too much and haven’t eaten in what seems like weeks. It must just be the snake in my stomach.
Now all I can think of is your lips on his, and your skin pressed to his.
Your “I love you”, matching his softly into one another’s ears.
The holidays will be especially lonely without you.
Joshua Tool – 08/28/2008