Sometimes… Actually a lot of the time I wish I was dumb. I think far too much. Sometimes I think myself out of my own mind. Sometimes I look out of my eye sockets and look down at my body and feel truly trapped. A lot of the time I look in my head and feel helplessly stuck with myself. I mean what actually is a memory. Is it the images and sounds of experiences of the past or is it still present? What constitutes the present?. Oh there goes another second of my lifetime. Why am I not out jumping out of aeroplanes? Or climbing boulders or helping sick kids? Am I sick? Why am I not helping myself? Sometimes… Well a lot of the time, I don’t too much like the Idea that I can’t control my penis. Actually, my penis pretty much seems to control me. Pretty primitive, eh? Why can’t I be a cat or a cloud or a flower someone gives to another person they love? Do I even have the right to uproot a flower to show my appreciation for an-others existence? I don’t so much like horror flicks, because I always tend to put myself far too much into the scenarios. Like watching one of my friends or family members being brutally murdered. Sometimes I think about killing people. Not in a homicidal way. I think, I just think of these things because I want to understand them. I don’t understand how anyone can kill another person. I think I have tried to once. Or at-least tried inflicting pain on another. I think it was in a fit of rage from discovering my past lover in bed with a former friend. Pretty primitive, huh? The ironic thing is that I ended up dying myself that day, due to five blows to the head with a louieville slugger. I don’t exactly remember what happened but I think I deserved it. I had to be taught how to walk again. Now if only someone could teach me how to control my penis. That would be great. I don’t so much like porn flicks either. I always tend to put myself far too much into the scenarios. I believe a therapist would say I was exposed to them far too early. I mean wow, 5th grade. To be regularly exposed to loveless pumping and thrusting and moaning at such an underdeveloped state of mind can really fuck someone up. Don’tcha think? I think I treat people the way I would want to be treated. Thats one morale I picked up. So I think that is why I don’t understand when people don’t treat me the way I want to be treated. Its very confusing. Sometimes I feel very anxious which leads to aggression, because most of the time I look down at my “disproportional” body and feel trapped and don’t understand how or why anyone tolerates me naked, or why I have friends or why they like me. Am I a good person? I don’t think so. I mean I don’t know what I mean. Do I have friends because I treat them the way I want to be treated? Do they love me? Or do they just say they love me because they want me to love them? Or do I say I love them for the same reason. I am anxious a lot, and for the most part treat my anxiety with alcohol. I smoked weed sometimes but it just made me feel more trapped in my body. I don’t fear God or cops or crooks or death or hell or even heaven for that matter. What I most fear is rejection. Rejection for my past. For almost being a killer or something like that. I still feel like I have killed. But I don’t want to feel like that. Please don’t reject me for feeling like I have killed. I love you, remember? Please don’t reject me. I am very self conscious. Sometimes I feel like killing myself. Don’t worry, not in a suicidal way. But because I don’t understand how I even exist… for that matter, I don’t even understand how one truly loves oneself. What constitutes one worthy of loving themselves? I am pretty fond of romantic comedies. I always tend to put myself far too much into the scenarios and that makes me feel good. Good and dumb and content because all I want is to have love, and for everyone else to have love and be dumbfounded by the power of love. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes its for a reason, other times its for no reason that i am aware of. I think sometimes its because I am mourning the inner-child that saw one too many porns in elementary school and can’t really understand how to control his penis. A lot of the time I choose to like things because no one else likes them. Because they make more sense to me when no one else likes them. And most of the time I lose interest in them once they become “mainstream”. Not because I lose “hipster” points. But because i feel that if too many people like one thing, that they don’t really know why they like it, in-turn destroying any beauty that this “unliked” thing once possessed. Then inadvertently destroying any beauty that I have felt or possessed and I am once again stuck with only myself. I am dating someone now that I truly feel has me pegged and at the same time I feel that I have her pegged. It is really beautiful. Because everyday is the same, but she shows me hows it’s different. I wish I would of known her in 5th grade, so she could’ve shown me to understand how to control my penis before it controlled me. I love her you know? I love her very much. Though I wish no-one else loved her, or even liked her. So that I could enjoy her entire beauty for myself. But she is teaching me to be selfless. I am glad people love her. I am glad she loves me. Even if I don’ t understand why. I am anxious a lot that she will reject me. I fear that she will leave me for being an almost killer. I want her to show me how to love myself the way that she loves me, or how I love her. I think I am the most vain and selfish person I know. I can’t even tell my dad or brother that I love them and vise versa. I don’t think they know how to control there penises either. I wonder if anyone does? I cry sometimes. I wish I could cry on demand. That would a great career move as an actor. I think I would be a great actor. I mean, what is easier than being someone else right? Sometimes I feel dumb. Like an animal, but cursed with the understanding that I don’t understand anything. I am pretty fond of love. I want to love everyone; Even Hitler or Jack The Ripper or Slave Owners or even Pedophiles . Please don’t reject me for wanting that. I am very fond of love. I am very self conscious. Please don’t reject me for that.
Joshua Tool – 11/17/2008