“Black Widow”

Somehow I have found myself wearing my own hand-me downs.
Because you gave him my side of the dresser;
My dresser.
The one that I gave you your side to.
He’s stealing my story.
My life.
My family.
You used to say, as you’d lay on my chest, “Someone called you my husband today and I didn’t correct them”.
I told you in the dark that I knew I was going to marry you. 
That we wouldn’t spend money on blood diamonds.
That I would whittle our rings and put an important stone on it that we’d find on a road trip.
Now you lay on his chest and whisper sweet nothings.
On my side of the bed.
My bed.
The one that I gave you your side to.
Slurping up some mess you made on my plates.
I did the cooking. 
You were better at take out. 
I have surrounded myself in self improvement projects.
But it is hard to move on when you have everything I own.
Everything I built from the ground up and started with two suitcases and a dream. 
Now I wish that I could dream. 
But I can’t sleep. 
I tried in parks & tunnels & friends floors. 
If I do fall asleep; the unfortunate thing is that when I wake, it wasn’t a nightmare, it is still real.
I have never felt so betrayed and worthless in my entire life. 
As you slow dance to my records in his arms in the living room. 
Does he pick you up by the fold in your knees,  redistribute to your perfect ass and hold you high in his arms like me? 
Kissing you and telling you that you are his universe? 
In a way I hope so.
I still love you after everything.
I only wanted happiness for you.
I just wanted it to be me that gave you that. 
07/04/17

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