I gave you my sour green apple starburst; you gave me the sour cherry flavor as even trade. Our mouths salivating; teeth squeaking and sticking on sugary colored corn syrup squares as we reached for the next one before we’d even finished the sweets on our tongues. Softly digging our nails underneath the small triangular waxy folds. Peeling its machine made origami in the blue tint of the tv as we lay naked in bed. I set my alarm to please our projections of linear time and set my phone back on its charging dock. I took my antidepressants as you’d crack the window. We turned our warm bare backs to each other, slapped and squeezed our pillows, and softy said goodnight. Weaving and stacking our legs and feet together. We didn’t even brush our teeth.
I thought of this moment in the gas station the other day. I am nearly 30 days sober now with a whole lot of climbing back up to do. Quite literally, I am taking up rock climbing now; and meditation; I’m also building everything I said I would when we first met. Now do to a lack of sugar intake that I would before ingest with alcohol, I crave sweets like crazy and I had to make an impulse buy at a Shell on the south side right next to the highway. I bought some sweet and sour starbursts. I purchased them from a disgruntled attendant who looked at me funny, like; really? A 30 year old buying candy? Maybe it was just in my head. I shook it off and shoved the bag into my front gray pullover hoodie pocket and jumped into the dirty white transport van that was taking me home from my substance abuse class. It smelled like stale cigarettes and frustration. I’m not allowed to drive anymore. The sun was quickly making its way behind the mountains and was completely dark about halfway through the ride home. I pulled out my yellow king size bag of Starbursts, only to discover it was nearly 50% sour green apple and I had no one to trade with. I absolutely despise green apple, but I ate them anyway. I tried to eat them first so I would have the flavor I liked at the end.
I’m always waiting for the best parts at the end.
Somehow I always just wind up with sour green apple and no one to trade with.
-Joshua Tool 08/25/17