“It’s Kind Of Like Drowning, Only To Know You Will Be Resuscitated” 

Do you remember the first time we saw each other outside of work? 

I brought you to the everlasting DIY venue, The Flux Capacitor.

You wore a green belly shirt and black puffy oversized parka.

I was so scared to touch your hand but I wanted make sure you were safe next to the pit. 

I failed. 

The tide pushed the bodies and you were slammed into the wall. 

I felt so bad.

But you took it like a champ.

That’s the first time I knew I loved you, yet was still scared to touch your hand.

This was the purest form of how we were or knew each other. 

Now we hate each other.

Well, I assume you hate me.

It’s hard to find hate in my memories. 

Yet I try to wash your name out of my mouth.

I will probably be losing moments of my life very soon. 

Like trying to write on a blackboard with a pen. 

Soon I will find myself doing push-ups as I think about this moment. 

Where have we come.

I am still a creator.

I am still to overcome a task of the relentless daytime tv of prison. 

And I will.

And I don’t care where you wind up, as long as you are happy and the kids are safe. 

I will keep this with me as something to pass the time and smile.

And cry.

If only words were made of clay, I would smash the mold and reform where we have come.

Mabye they’ll have clay in jail. 

-Joshua Tool 06/16/17

Snake Oil Salesmen

And then finally we became…

You read the walls with the polished tips of your fingers as you floated down my stairway in an ankle length cotton skirt that poured and flowed over my bedroom stairs like a black and gray striped waterfall

Meeting your lips and shoulder blades at the base of the room in an embrace that we pulled in and held tight like it would be the last

Quickly after making only moments of small talk we jumped each other like animals that could waltz

Connected at the lips and waists we danced. Pacing back and forth on my cold linoleum floor, trying to pull each other as close together as our muscles would allow

I then palmed your chin and fell with you into my bed, gravity now allowing us to fall even closer together

Frantically breathing and smashing my nose into yours with the pivots of our kisses

My nose began to bleed

I pulled back to see that I had smeared blood on your cheeks

I embarrassingly apologized and you told me that it was okay

You’ve always had a way to make me feel okay and comfortable

Then in our slight awkwardness; I licked my thumb and proceeded to wipe the blood from your face, eventually just kissing and licking it off in the heat of our continued passion

You took me under and pinned me to the mattress as you playfully scratched my chest above my shirt

I kept pecking at the distance of your face

I flipped you back over and clenched your shirt into fist shaped balls at your shoulders, moving back and forth, over and under your shirt until I flipped your t-shirt up to your ribs and kissed ever inch of your stomach

Breathing heavy and pulling your shirt up the further my lips made way

Running my hands under the smooth small of your back as I cupped your ribs

I took my shirt off to make you feel more comfortable

And soon after more playful clutching and passionate scratching you were down to your bra and skirt

I kissed your shoulders up to your neck, behind your ears and back to your unimaginably soft lips

I pulled your bra straps over your shoulders and down to your waist

Pressing our naked skin together I slid my hand up your arm and spread your fingers to fit mine

We had never taken our eyes from one another’s

We had created an axis through our pupils without ever losing balance

As we continued the push and pull of our lips, I became lost in the most brilliant and truthful blue of your eyes

I smiled while still mid kiss and you curled your red polished toes and curved the bottoms of your feet as you wrapped your legs behind the back of my knees

Your legs gripping at the back of my thighs as your skirt fell higher

I grabbed your knees and ran my hands up and down your exposed legs

Working circles with your warm tongue and pushing our pelvises into the memory of the mattress

We’d never lost focus of our eye contact axis

Then organically, we traded “I Love You”, griping each other’s hands and legs to the point of later bruising

I took your hair behind your ears, continuously combing it as we had fallen onto our sides

You laid your head on my chest and I bridged my legs over yours as I put your cold bare feet between mine

I closed my eyes and pictured every moment

Remembering December; when we would sneak off into the back office of the break room to stare at one another for 15-minute intervals while we gripped and massaged each other’s hands

Then later after months of our forced silence we found each other in the parking lot of your favorite coffee house

This became the place of our first kiss

It wasn’t long after that I began to visit you every day for lunch at your new job

It was across town and I was without a car so it made it challenging, but I always found a way to get to you

I’d either borrow a car or took a cab

We’d walk up and down the neighborhoods and converse of our mornings

You worked at a school at this point so you always had interesting stories about the silly things the kids did that day

I remembered everything like a flash

Like what you’d see right before you die

I think my favorite moment is when we were both leaving your work and you made a long pause at the stop sign of the local neighborhood

You opened your door and ran back to my car. As I rolled down the window you moved your head inside and kissed me three times before returning to your SUV

I called it the “Chinese Fire Drill Kiss”

You told me you loved the way my smoky breath tasted

Which was wonderful because I was quite self-conscious about that since you were not a smoker

Moving forward into my memories I saw you dance for me, reckless and uncompromised

It was beautiful

We chose songs as you sat on my lap in my swivel chair

I picked you up an spun you around

You wrapped your arms around my neck as your hair splashed around and tickled my face

And…

…And back to where we lie

Cradling you, I opened my eyes to see you had closed your eyes as well

We had both been running off merely hours of sleep for days, or even weeks from our inability to ever truly end our conversations

I continued to brush your dark burgundy hair with my fingers and tilted your head to kiss you

I looked into your eyes again to see that you had begun to cry

Soft tears fell as I kissed your eyelids and told you I love you and that everything would be okay

But it wasn’t

The doorbell rang late that night and this would indeed be the last time we’d see each other

I still close my eyes hoping to open them and see you with your head on my chest

I remember everything like a flash…

The kind of flash you’d see right before you die

Joshua Tool – 03/20/13